5 Ways to Support the "Dr. Spouse" -- #1) Start With Acknowledgement.
“There is a lack of acknowledgment and support for Physician-Spouses within our healthcare culture, despite their significant impact on a physician's career and practice. If we genuinely aim to address issues like 'Physician Burnout' or 'Moral Injury,' we must begin by recognizing, valuing, and consistently supporting the most influential person in their life: their spouse!”
Every year at our annual conference gathering, the Concierge Medicine Forum, I’m happy to talk to the many spouses of Physicians who walk up to me at the end and tell me how much this program(s) or session meant to them.
One recently said, “I felt like you were talking directly to me."
Another elbowed her husband in the hallway and said, “Michael, I've been telling him that for years. Thank you. Hopefully, he'll listen to me now.”
Whatever the topic might be, your spouse is right next to you. He/she is by your side cheering you on, warning you about your blind spots and if you're spouse is like mine, giving you a stink eye every now and then.
“The countless conversations we had when I was hurt, frustrated, anxious and, concerned kept me going. The times I wanted to quit, she said, “Not yet.” The times I wasn’t sure I was able to do the job, she said, “You got this. The Lord is with you, and so am I.” The moments I needed great advice, she provided it. And the times I needed to be called out or corrected on something, she was a voice of truth.”
~Michael’s Pastor in a farewell letter about how important a spouse is to the success of any organization, non-profit or otherwise; 2021) - Photo Credit: Concierge Doctors at the October 2024 (Atlanta, GA USA) industry’s annual conference address and discussing the role Physicians will play in helping to serve the next-generation of patients.
Comments like this warm my heart. It informs all of us in concierge medicine that your career and life decisions aren't made alone. You're not in this alone
As in many medical offices today, you'd probably not be surprised to learn that the most overlooked person in a church is also the Spouse.
Interesting, right?
Often overlooked because they don't work in the practice (or they run the practice), the impact of a spouse in your practice is critical to the well-being and health of a local Doctor personally and professionally.
First, they aren't afraid to tell you when you're wrong. They have shared their unfiltered thoughts about “so-and-so” and have helped you carry the impossible weight that your job mandates each day.
That’s just who your spouse is.
They’re compassionate. They've cheered you on, fought with you, cried with you, argued with you, and even laughed with you and at you. They’re your unfiltered, unmatched, and unadulterated insights that are your North Star.
Your spouse is there to privately encourage you when you’ve had a bad day. They'll listen to you patiently and quietly (until you're all finished) and then say "Are you done? Suck it up buttercup."
They're with you when you're frustrated. They're problem-solving behind the scenes and have attended the funerals with you when you've lost a Patient.
When there is no regular, ongoing, formal acknowledgment program of the role the Doctor-Spouse plays, the leadership [of the hospital/practice/clinic/health system] does itself and the couple a huge disservice.
They're beside you at every turn, keep you grounded in reality, and tell you when it's time to fly.
However, and this is a BIG, little do most of your employees, medical staff, colleagues, or even Patients know just how remarkably insightful this person is to you. The spouse often goes unrecognized and unappreciated for years, yet they know more about the practice and so and so than your team could imagine.
Here are a few ideas recently shared in an honest blog post written recently by my mentor and pastor about the role his spouse played in his career. I think it's relevant for medical offices to acknowledge the spouse, regardless of whether that person is a coworker, colleague, teacher, or stay-at-home Mom/Dad.
1. Start With Acknowledgement
My pastor, we'll call him J~, notes in his letter/blog about the important role that spouses have inside churches and writes, It’s stunning to me how little this person in their life is acknowledged by employees. At a farewell event the Church staff hosted for [my spouse] and me before our departure, I shared that I had one regret. I regretted that most people had no idea how much [my spouse] had led that Church. The countless conversations we had when I was hurt, frustrated, anxious and, concerned kept me going. The times I wanted to quit, she said, “Not yet.” The times I wasn’t sure I was able to do the job, she said, “You got this. The Lord is with you, and so am I.” The moments I needed great advice, she provided it. And the times I needed to be called out or corrected on something, she was a voice of truth.
2. Recognize the burnout risks and pay attention to the evidence.
You love evidence and data probably as much as I do. So, here are some fast facts about this topic for your consideration.
A study published in the BMJ found that doctors have a lower divorce rate than almost all other medical care workers and significantly lower than the general public. The authors of the report conducted surveys of 200,000 healthcare practitioners, including over 40,000 physicians between 2008 and 2013. They found that physicians experienced a divorce rate of 24 percent, whereas 31 percent of healthcare executives and 33 percent of nurses experienced divorce. This compares to a general 35 percent divorce rate among the general public.The BMJ report seems like it’s good news for the marital bliss of doctors everywhere. Not so fast. One particular group defied these positive statistics. The study found that female physicians were almost one-and-a-half times more likely to be divorced than their male counterparts. The likelihood of divorce increased for female physicians who reported working over 40 hours per week.
A lead author of the study, Dan Ly explained, “We believe that the higher incidence of divorce among female physicians stems from the greater tradeoffs they are forced to make to achieve work/life balance.”[1]
Business Insider reported the Top 10 occupations with the lowest divorce rates were Directors of religious and educational activities and Physicians and Surgeons. Number 9 was Directors, religious activities and education — 21.3%; Ranked # 10. Physicians and surgeons — 21.8%[2]
Physicians Practice writer Janet Kidd Stewart recently penned an article entitled Supporting Your Spouse’s Career where she writes … Your spouse puts up with the long hours and short temper your stressful practice tends to create, but you know it's taking a toll on the marriage. High divorce rates prove this is no easy task, particularly as medical marriages often today include two busy professionals.[3]
In February of 2020, Medscape cited that One in four women physicians are married to doctors, and 16% of male doctors are married to physicians, says a survey of more than 15,000 physicians in 29 specialties.[4]
The AJC reported that Female physicians and surgeons are most likely to marry male or female physicians and surgeons.[5]
The Washington Post wrote not too long ago as well, Physicians had a 24 percent likelihood of divorce; it was 23 percent for pharmacists; 25 percent for dentists; 31 percent for health-care executives; 33 percent among nurses; 27 percent among lawyers; and 35 percent for non-health-care workers.[6]
Finally, the AMA cites that About 80% of physicians are married, according to a recent online survey, and these doctors often marry other doctors or other health professionals.[7]
3. Talk about how the work is affecting you.
Wayne Sotile, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of The Medical Marriage, said, "One predictor of marriage failure is never talking about work," he says. "Just don't focus constantly on the minute frustrations. Instead of talking about how many procedures you did, explain how the work is affecting you."
So, knowing this, I believe it is improper of medical management, employees and practice colleagues, and leadership in your medical practice or health system if they do not encourage, acknowledge, or care in some way for the Physician’s spouse.
J.H., writes Knowing this, I believe it is negligent if leadership doesn’t encourage, shepherd and care for the lead pastor’s spouse. Now, let me be clear. I’m not suggesting some weird entitlement program.The pastor and the pastor’s spouse shouldn’t be treated as if they are royalty. That’s not what I am suggesting. At the same time, when there is no acknowledgment of the role the spouse plays, the leadership of the church does itself and the couple a huge disservice.
That's an interesting viewpoint. Does this dovetail nicely into medicine?
Well, yes.
4. Host lunches, random appreciation events, lectures, workshops, etc., for physicians and their spouses.
Dr. Edward Krall, a psychiatrist at the Marshfield Clinic in rural Wisconsin, started a physician-spouse group several years ago. The informal group, known as The Network, hosts lunches and welcome events for spouses of prospective and incoming physicians at the clinic and some social events for existing physicians.
"The clinic had hired a New York marketing firm to do some research around our brand, and part of that was a survey of recent job candidates to find a profile of what types of spouses would be happy here," he says. "It found the Marshfield spouse drives an SUV, not a BMW, drinks Gatorade, not a Manhattan, and values family activities over ample shopping. [If] the family isn't happy, the physician isn't happy, so we felt we needed to address that more directly.” Krall and the clinic also host lectures and workshops for physicians and their families on work/life balance, workplace stress, and other personal issues. "All of the data suggest that a supportive spouse is key to a physician's success," Krall said.
So what can you do if you’re in leadership at a medical practice and want to implement and/or acknowledge a colleague's spouse or support their role in a Physician's life?
Keep in mind, they don’t have to work there. That’s all the more reason to do something, say something, or write a thank you card. You might never see this person, but you know the role they play in the Doctor’s life, and their decisions are critically important and will impact you.
5. Create a formal spouse program, like hosting a social gathering for all spouses in practice or paid, private, proactive counseling for the "couple"
So to get granular, here are some suggestions from J's email letter that I think you might find quite helpful. We've modified them to be applicable from helping Pastors to helping you, the Doctor.
We modified the specifics to apply to the Physician, and I think (personally) medical practice management and leadership should provide the following immediately to Physician and their spouses:
Paid, proactive counseling for the [Doctor] and his/her spouse as a “couple”
Say, thank you. (And don’t wait for the Christmas employee dinner.) The [medical staff, your physician peers], and or senior management should consistently express appreciation to the [Doctor’s] spouse.
Pay for [one weekend] off-site getaway for the couple.
Bring the spouse into a leadership team or management meeting and ask, “What feedback do you have to improve how we serve you and your spouse?”
If you are an extensive [group physician practice], make sure the spouse of the [Doctor] doesn’t get lost in the maze of the organization. Being in a significant [medical group or health system], oftentimes a [Physician’s] spouse can often feel even more invisible, neglected, put on hold, feel like they’re competing for time, confronting a gatekeeper at every turn and ultimately, un-cared for. If you don’t believe me, ask them.
Janet Kidd also notes,… If your [medical practice, or] group doesn't have a formal spouse program, a good place to start is simply hosting a social gathering with spouses. Today's busy lifestyles have put a damper on socializing at work, but a little effort here can help the whole group deepen their commitment to each other.
Theresa, wife of a Doctor, Mom of 3 and working professional penned a blog recently about 15 Non-Glamorous Realities About Being Married To A Doctor. In the post she writes … It’s the saddest fact of all but burnout is a major health crisis for doctors. Every year, over 400+ doctors commit suicide. That’s among the highest of any profession. Try to visualize the equivalent of an entire graduating class of medical students of a state university who die each year.All the stress and burnout doesn’t just stop at the hospital. Our DrSpouses bring it home, emotionally and mentally within the walls of our home.
He drops this final note on us in his letter when he writes ... If you serve in this type of role and disagree with me, then let me close with a question: “When’s the last time you brought the spouse into the [practice] and thanked them?”
Certainly insightful thoughts to ponder.
Thanks for reading.
FOR YOU, FOR DOCTORS,
Editor, Concierge Medicine Today
References and Citations
https://www.secondsaturday.com/doctors-you-have-a-lower-risk-of-getting-divorced-unless-you-are-a-woman/
https://www.businessinsider.com/10-jobs-with-the-highest-divorce-rates-and-10-with-the-lowest-2017-10
https://login.medscape.com/login/sso/getlogin?wcode=102&client=205502&urlCache=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubWVkc2NhcGUuY29tL3NsaWRlc2hvdy8yMDE5LWxpZmVzdHlsZS1oYXBwaW5lc3MtNjAxMTA1Nw&sc=ng&scode=msp
https://www.ajc.com/news/national/how-common-are-doctor-nurse-romances-really/A0dZlMIcFN9FH25YZcIgDO/
washingtonpost.com/…/divorce-among-doctors-isnt-as-common-as-you-think-study-finds
https://www.ama-assn.org/medical-residents/medical-resident-wellness/why-doctors-marry-doctors-exploring-medical-marriages#:~:text=About%2085%25%20of%20physicians%20are,on%20the%20Medscape%20news%20website.